Resistance and stickiness

Vicky asks what do you do if a part of you doesn’t want to tell what it doesn’t want when you are Focusing.

For example, something is feeling tight and tense, and you are keeping it company, sensing that place, there in your body. As you stay with it, you might begin to sense for its emotional quality. Words come such as resistance, stickiness, not moving. OK. So you acknowledge it and let it know you hear how it is feeling. You could say to it, I hear that you are feeling resistant, sticky or stuck. You know that it is not wanting something. The ‘resistance’ word shows you that. As you stay with it, you might notice that the feeling of tightness is intensifying. An image may come, like it is digging its heals in and really does not want to move.

There is clearly something that it does not want. And yet, you do not know what that is. It is not opening up and telling you. More likely, it is shutting down. It’s like a clam closing its shell, or a cross child with arms held across its body, saying, I’m not telling. So what do you do? You have kept it company and stayed with it for a while. You have been sensing into the body and describing what you sense. You have checked with the body, and yes, that seems to capture the overall quality of it. You may even have a clear sense of how this is connected to your life. And yet it is not moving. It is staying stuck and you do not know why.

There may be a number of reasons why this is happening when you are Focusing. More than likely, you are merged with something in you that has an agenda. It wants this part to change and will not be happy until it does. Perhaps it sees it as holding it back. Sometimes parts of us that have an agenda can be hidden. They feel like ‘me’. Presence language can be helpful here, enabling you to misidentify with the part of you that wants it to change and to look for how and where your body is responding to that. It means backing off and taking a wider view. It helps to acknowledge the part that wants it to change, because it is so uncomfortable for it.

Inadvertently, it is putting pressure on the ‘resistant’, stuck place. Similarly, if there is something in you that is impatient to know why it is feeling so stuck and resistant, that will also put pressure on it, and it will more likely close down. Having an open attitude of ‘interested curiosity’ may be helpful here. It’s a light touch. Even that may be too much for a shy or hiding part. Not too much pressure on it, but not moving away from it either. It is a subtle kind of contact. You can experiment with what kind of contact would be right for it. Just touching it lightly; moving away a bit if it is too much for it. Noticing if it eases or gets more tense. You do not know everything about this, or it would all be resolved.

So you wait patiently, ‘tapping’ it lightly, using the word or image you have to describe it. Sometimes I sit with something for several minutes in my Focusing session – just keeping my awareness with that place in my body, and internally saying the word or words that came, over and over. That helps me to stay there. It will begin to open and tell you more of how it is feeling when it feels it is safe to do so. It does not want to be judged or jumped on. It wants to be welcomed just as it is. You can do that when you have acknowledged all the other parts that may have an agenda around it.