How Focusing helps you with overcoming self doubt.

A reader asks, How can I best use Focusing to deal with the problem of overcoming self doubt, that often appears relentlessly during Focusing, meditation or when just trying to relax; and it prevents me ever being able to be fully at ease with myself, let alone others?

The reader continues, It occurs to me that rather than being got down by the doubting/questioning part as a reminder that I’ll never win, and that I’m never going to get anywhere, for instance, I need to maintain a patient attitude and aim for acceptance of whatever there is. It can be so difficult.

A. Although I agree that it can be very difficult when you are overcoming self doubt, there are ways through that you can take. It is asking a lot to expect you to be patient and accepting when all the time it feels like something is continually undermining you and what you are trying to do. How much freer you would feel, without this thing! It can feel like a devil on your back, relentlessly pulling you down and preventing you from expressing yourself fully and freely. The word ‘fearlessly’ comes to me. How would it be if you were able to communicate fearlessly and openly?

What you have expressed in your question is so painful because whatever you do, it always seems to be there, no matter how hard you try to get rid of it. And so many people, maybe all of us, are experiencing the same problem in different ways. Perhaps it’s cultural, not personal. You say in your longer letter that you learnt from a very early age to hide yourself, especially your feelings, because to express or allow them to show was so dangerous.

This shows me that there is a part of you that is afraid to show itself, because it was too dangerous, and so it learnt how to protect itself and to survive. What comes to me is that it is like a frightened child. It’s absolutely terrified, and it does everything it can to protect you by any means, such as controlling your behaviour, being hyper vigilant, and bombarding you with what you experience as unhelpful thoughts. You doubt yourself and you doubt your experience. What can you trust? What can help you when you are overcoming self doubt?

I suggest that you sit with your ‘frightened child’; the part of you that knew it was dangerous to show itself. You could recall how it was for you as a child, and remember some times when it did not feel safe. Because you are not now that child, you are an adult, being Self-in-Presence, you can provide a safe haven for that frightened child. It helps to have a Focusing partner and the two of you can hear how hard it was for the child, when there was no protection and it did not get what it needed. Just simply listening to how it feels right now, and what it would have wanted then, can be very restorative and healing.

Make sure that you are Self-in-Presence; well grounded and able to give good attention and compassionate listening. Otherwise, the danger would be that you get re-traumatised. It is probably helpful to have several sessions, where you spend just a short time being with the frightened child. Let that child part of you begin to learn to trust you so that it can feel safe enough to come out and show more of itself. It is very vulnerable and needs kindness, gentleness and care.

So what if you can’t do that, and you can hear the doubt and the criticism too loudly? You might try being aware of all of it at once. With practice, it is possible to hold different parts of you in your awareness at the same time. You might go back and forth between them, or round and round. Keep checking in with each of them, and saying to them, yes, I know you’re there. A Focuser I know is very good at doing this. She stays with very vulnerable feelings, and all the while, she is also aware of another part that is saying all this is useless. She gives it acknowledgement when it’s voice becomes loud, and it quietens down for a while, so she can be with the other parts of her that want attention.

Overcoming self doubt. Gradually over time, you may notice that the doubting, controlling and hyper vigilant parts are not so relentless. You are making progress in overcoming self doubt. There maybe more space around all these hurting places, and they are not hurting quite so much. There may be an easing and releasing of old pain and hurts. There is more of you in Presence. You are more able to just be you.