‘Mixed feelings’

Some time ago, a Focuser told me she is struggling with problems in her relationship. She has mixed feelings and is ambivalent in what she really wants. She loves her partner and yet something in her is unsatisfied, discontented. Something doesnʼt feel right, and she wonders if she should end the relationship. She asks if Focusing could help.

Focusing can be very helpful with this kind of dilemma. When you take the time to Focus, and to really listen to confused or conflicting feelings, you can also hear what is sometimes referred to as ʻmoreʼ around all of it. Itʼs like unpacking a treasure chest. What at first may look mundane, ordinary or even repellent, has deep inner riches and wisdom if you stay with it. What you see on the surface is just the beginning. If you Focus with it, you give it the chance to reveal its essence, the life force that is found in your body, which has an inner direction and mind of its own.

For instance, if you experience problems in your relationship, there may be vague feelings of dissatisfaction. You can begin to recognise that something inside feels that something is not right, and it needs to be addressed. If you ignore it and hope it goes away, the feelings may intensify into irritation and eventually anger. If you still donʼt address it, the anger may spill out and you find yourself lashing out at your partner. It may be unwarranted in the current situation, but something has been building up and not addressed.

There are reasons why we often donʼt address feelings. You may be afraid it will bring change. You may have to face up to the fact that your life or relationship is not working. Change can be uncomfortable. In relationships it may mean becoming vulnerable; asking something from your partner that maybe unwelcome or not forthcoming.

What Focusing does, is to enable you to take responsibility for the feelings, and to do something about it. The progression of healing in Focusing takes you to a place inside that is hurting or vulnerable in some way. Rather than speaking to your partner immediately; it is more helpful to listen to your feelings in a gentle accepting way.

The next stage takes you deeper into why the feelings came up. Maybe it taps into recurrent feelings of insecurity, perhaps from childhood. You can listen as the bodyʼs story unfolds, and you can tell it, ʻOf course you would feel that wayʼ. It links into that situation you remember as a child, when it was so painful for you.  You can say, ʻNo wonder you feel the way you doʼ. Give it some real love, acceptance, understanding and caring. Make sure that it feels heard and cared for, in the way that it wants. This is real healing you can do for yourself.

You might notice a shift, or an easing happening in the body as you do this. It helps to have the support of a Focusing Companion who can also sit with vulnerable feelings in a caring and non-judgemental way. If judgements come up, those thoughts and feelings need to be acknowledged and listened to, as well.

When the feelings have been heard enough in your Focusing sessions, and you are aware of some relief felt directly in the body, you may then be able to listen to what you can do for it in your outer life situation. It may simply be to continue to acknowledge how it is feeling, or you may need to take some action. The action you take will then be self-responsible, rather than projecting out to your partner. You will find problems in your relationship become less, and you find more ease and a sense of resolution.