What advice can you offer for Focusing in times of strong emotions such as grief and heartbreak?

B.  writes, I want help supporting the grieving process. I had a regular Focusing call with a companion a few days after a dear friend had died. Shortly before the call, I realised a range of emotions had been flowing easily and I had, without asking or intending, experienced felt senses that had guided me in the grief process. I decided Focusing at such a time wouldn’t be helpful, may even have been unhelpful. Fortunately, my companion was very understanding and compassionate, and we used some of the time for what turned out to be a valuable conversation.

I think you did absolutely the right thing. Sometimes it does not feel appropriate or helpful to Focus, and the kindest and most helpful thing we can do for supporting the grieving process is to allow the range of emotions to flow as they will.

I confess that I did not Focus for several months after my mother died. I was too close to my emotions, and kept getting overwhelmed by them. I was not able to find enough Presence to sit with my feelings in a gentle compassionate way. I just cried whenever I closed my eyes and went inside. The same was true for me in meditation. Gradually I found healing and a sense of peace. I found that my being in Presence returned, and I was able to pick up my meditation and Focusing practices, which then contributed further to my supporting the grieving process.

And I had a friend who Focused her way through a loss, 15 minutes a day, and that was just right for her. She says now that she moved through that grief in such a surprisingly clean way, emerging after just a few weeks with a feeling of freshness and new life. She adds that it was a remarkable thing to have done, and a really good way of supporting the grieving process..

From these stories you may notice that it is a unique and different experience for different people. It all depends on your make-up; how close you are to your feelings; how easy it is for you to find just the right distance, so that you can be with your feelings and emotions in a caring way, without getting overwhelmed and immersed, and yet also not pushing them away or denying them. Each person will have their own healing journey to make, when dealing with strong emotions such as grief & heartbreak. And you did just the right thing, by allowing a whole range of emotions to flow easily, just as they come.

So it is helpful, as you did, to allow your felt sense to guide you in the grief process. Each loss is different. Each person is different. See if you can follow you own individual process, and be guided by what feels right for you, for your body, and this is when following your felt senses can be so helpful. If your body tightens up at the thought of Focusing, then there is your guide. If it relaxes at the thought of a hot bath, or a good conversation with a friend, then maybe that is more helpful.

It can be helpful to recognise the stages of grief and bereavement that you may go through. These stages are not linear, and may include such things as blocking out feelings, anger, confusion, guilt, loss and surrender. There may be more. They don’t come in a neat package. What can be helpful is to recognise them when they come, and in a Focusing way, give them space to be just as they are. Accepting them without trying to change them brings a sense of calmness, and also allows them to change in their own good time. And if it doesn’t feel right to Focus, then allowing the emotions to come and go can be very helpful.

You may notice that strong emotions such and grief and heartbreak have their own rhythm. They seem to come and go in waves. You could see what other kinds of self-care might be appropriate, and follow those impulses. In this way you are listening to your body. It doesn’t have to be a formal Focusing session for this to happen. You are listening to your felt senses to tell you just what is right for you, for supporting the grieving process.