Is there a way of using my focusing skills to address how I feel empty?

I feel empty, is how RF puts it. He says ‘In response to early childhood experiences I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness. I feel empty a lot of the time. This leads to a constant need to find distractions and means I cannot be with myself for any length of time in a relaxed and peaceful way. Is there a way of using my focusing skills to address how I feel empty, or is it a matter of finding further healthy distractions and resigning myself to the situation.’

A. You might want to start your Focusing sessions giving attention to the part of you that has a constant need to find distractions. That could be a way in to the underlying feelings of emptiness. And you might also find parts of you that really don’t like it and don’t want it to be this way. They need company too. It is very hard for some parts of you to have to bear it, or suffer it, or struggle with it, and that needs to be acknowledged, sensed into the body, and symbolised.

Many people suffer from some kind of chronic emotional or mental condition, usually as a result of what happened in early childhood, so I hope that answering your question can also help others. People ask what can I really change through Focusing? Do I need to go through these very painful feelings, and experience them? Do they ever go away?

What I would say is that what the feelings of emptiness most needs is company. That means giving it unconditional acceptance and positive regard. When I feel empty, it indicates a lack of something, that something in you needs to be fulfilled. There is unmet need, and Gene Gendlin’s philosophy says that there is an implying for a next step. We can never go back to early childhood and get the need met in the way that the child needed it at the time. What we can do is sense for how that stopped process, or unmet need, is living in you right now. That will lead to the implied next step in the here and now.

See if you can sense into it in the body, using your Focusing skills, and ask it what it is wanting, or what it wanted then. Wait for a subtle bodily felt sense to form and describe what you sense. Listen to it intently and receive what it is showing you.

Often, it will refer back to what you know about your past experience; memories, or what you have learned about your past. It is helpful then to really receive that. Take time to take that in and communicate back to the feelings that you hear them and that you understand. You would then say something like ‘of course you feel that way. No wonder.’ You find a way to accept the feelings and to let them know you understand. You are connecting the past with the present, and the present moment brings the opportunity to be with the child part of you in the way that it wants. You are listening to it in a gentle, caring way, and this in itself may be what it has always wanted but has never been able to ask.

You may find this is difficult for you to do. You say that you cannot be with yourself for any length of time in a relaxed and peaceful way. I suggest that you Focus with this in short chunks, and don’t expect to be able to stay with it for a long session. Just touching in with it briefly over a period of time can be very helpful. I have spoken about developing a positive inner relationship with the emptiness. Over time it can begin to trust you enough that it can show you how it is feeling. When feelings are accepted they can begin to change. But most importantly, you are changing your relationship to it, and that’s what changes in your life. It’s subtle, but over time you may find that you have less need to look for distractions.

Does it ever change? Does it ever ‘go away’? Talking to my friend yesterday, we felt that life situations bring up the painful feelings when we thought we had ‘dealt with it’ years ago, and here it is again. Each time it comes up, you learn something new. You develop inner resources that strengthen you. In a way, this is the gift in the wounding. It is an opportunity to learn and grow, and to develop compassion for yourself and others. If the ‘I feel empty’ feeling is present in your life, this is where attention is needed, and Focusing with it gives it the quality of attention that it longs for.