Focusing Tips by Fiona Parr

I'm often asked questions which I feel are relevant to many people. So I share my responses here which I hope will provide a helpful insight for everyone involved in Focusing and an overview if you are new to Focusing.
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When you don’t feel friendly towards yourself when Focusing

‘I wish I didn’t feel like that’

Someone tells me she doesn’t feel at all friendly with herself, when she is caught in a self-destructive repetitive pattern. She really wishes it wasn’t there. She wants to get rid of it because she can see how it is hurting her or damaging her life.

Is this familiar to you? You might be saying such things as ‘I hate this part of me’, ‘I wish I didn’t feel like that’ or ‘this attitude or behaviour is really holding me back.’ It can be very hard to follow the Focusing instruction to be welcoming, accepting and friendly when you get a strong response like that. We all get responses like this from time to time. I used to get cross at the idea that I have to be friendly with whatever is there in me.

I didn’t feel like being friendly. I thought Focusing was not about having to be a certain way, and simply allowing whatever is there to be there, just as it is. I didn’t want to be friendly! What I didn’t realize is that I was merging with the part of me that was cross, or didn’t want to be friendly. There are several things you can do when you find such a reaction coming up. You can take a step back from what you are experiencing, and acknowledge that something in you really doesn’t like this other part. Rather than getting the parts of you to dialogue with each other, it is more helpful in Focusing to listen to the part of you that hates it so much.

Allow it to tell you how it is feeling, from its point of view. You might also notice if there is a body sensation coming in response to how it is feeling. You can keep company with it, and hear it, like you would with any other part of you. Pay attention to any subtle body responses, and find a word, phrase or image that describes it or captures its qualities. It may feel as if you have left the original something that you were with, but you are still dealing with the whole issue, by accompanying the place in you that hates it so much. When you do that, the issue that felt stuck now has the possibility of movement and change, in the Focusing session.